Beat The Fear of Asking For What You Want

Many people are too shy to ask for what they really want, even in simple situations like asking for directions in an Airport, or asking a boss for an extension on a project deadline. The resulting psychological misery that can come from a fear of asking for what you want can be quite significant. Ask any self-help guru and they will tell you that asking for what you want is a key skill because of the effect of eliciting help and support from others. To ask for what you want, you have to get used to the idea that much of the time, people will say no. It\’s the sting of that, \”no\” that stops many people in their tracks. For people who are excessively shy (or even just a little shy) it can be especially difficult to tolerate the frequent \”no\” when you ask for what you want.

What\’s the solution? The best solution is to develop a thicker skin. I will tell you exactly how to do that, but first I need to mess with your mind for a minute so that you will actually accept the methods that I\’m going to offer you. You see, most people who are reading this article are very unlikely to ever overcome this problem because of one specific reason. They simply choose to let the fear of pain dominate their thoughts instead of allowing their motivation and action to be driven by powerful positive anticipation of things that they do want.

Don\’t get me wrong, I\’m not trying to tell you that people are lazy and it\’s all their fault. Rather, I\’m saying that very few people have ever discovered a very important secret about human motivation and change. The secret I\’m talking about is that we are much more likely to follow through on changes we make in our lives if the mere thought of making the change ignites a positive emotion and the accompanying flow of dopamine in our brain. Dopamine is the \”feel good\” neurotransmitter that is active in the reward center of our brain. It is what gets us moving in pursuit of things we want.

When you start each day without a plan in mind for living toward specific goals and realistic dreams, you end up being driven primarily by your attempts to escape from what you don\’t want in life. Escaping from what you don\’t want is the default mode that appears to be preset in the minds of most people. Without purposeful effort, you will default to avoiding the things you do not want. This leads to emotional pain and a low level of accomplishment in life. You can do better. Read on.

By now you may be wondering what these motivation techniques have to do with developing a thicker skin. Don\’t give up on me just yet, because I\’m about to reveal to you this simple shift in your mindset that will bring about a tremendous jolt of positive well-being as you begin to apply changes to your life. (I just used the method that I was describing by offering a positive motivation for you to keep reading. Did you catch it?)

Here\’s the method that will help you to develop a thicker skin. It is quite simple, so I need to warn you not to dismiss it simply because of its simplicity. Often, the most simple and direct approach is the most powerful approach for getting what you want in life. This is the case for developing a thicker skin. The best method is to simply practice asking for things that you want, while gradually increasing the level of difficulty. Ask for what you want from people that know that you are simply practicing. Start out by telling a spouse or friend that you are going to be asking for a lot of things, and tell them they are free to say no because you are simply practicing. Ask people at work for things that you want. Ask for directions even if you don\’t need them. Ask for extra time when working on a deadline. Practice, practice, practice.

Are you wondering how you could possibly follow through on this when you struggle to ask for what you want? People can accomplish absolutely incredible feats when the motivation is strong enough. So I\’m asking you to start with building powerful motivation. Think of it like a swim through a freezing-cold lake. The pain will be short-lived because you will rapidly become accustomed to asking for things when you do it all day, and the result will be a quickly-developing callous that protects you from the pangs of fear or guilt that currently hold you in bondage. So all you have to do is build a powerful positive expectation that is strong enough to make this short journey rewarding.

In order to build your motivation more, start with a vivid mental hologram that helps you to imagine what it would be like to be a more assertive person. Think about how it would feel to be able to hold your head high while you demand proper respect from other people, without flinching or feeling anxious afterwards. In order for this process to work, you need to become very certain that the vision you have of the future version of yourself is a real possibility. Don\’t simply wonder about what it would be like. Instead, think of your visualization as something that is 100% linked to the specific action of practicing asking for what you want until it feels natural.

Before I send you on your way to get to work on these techniques, I want to offer two more tips. Right before you ask someone for something that you want, imagine someone else doing the same thing. Imagine someone who is very assertive. You probably know a few people who are so outgoing and assertive that would not be even slightly unnerved by asking for what they want. Imagine this person asking for what they want. This mental exercise will reduce the feeling that you are doing something odd or something that needs to be apologized for. The second tip is to think about how you would feel if someone asked you for the very thing that you are about to ask for. If you wouldn\’t mind someone else asking you for the favor or request that you are asking, then neither should you worry about what the other person\’s reaction will be. If they are hard and cruel in the reaction, then that is their problem, not yours. Create a vision for how you want to feel 21 days from now after swimming across this cold lake and standing triumphant and warm from your exercise on the opposite shore. See yourself laughing with the joy and excitement of having accomplished this life-changing feat. You are worth it, so get to work.

Dr. Todd Snyder is a clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment of Social Anxiety Disorder. He is the creator of the Social Anxiety Secrets System that provides a complete self-help and personal motivation system for overcoming symptoms of social anxiety. A free mini-course can be found at his website, www.socialanxietysecrets.com